I hope you all had a really good weekend. I usually like to give a progress report on Monday's However I would like to reiterate what I said on Friday. The Albert quiz could be on it's last legs if we do not get more bums-on-seats before the end of the month. I am still awaiting an email with suggestions as to how we can get more people in or why people are staying away. I know getting people in who usually drink in the town centre will be difficult with so many pubs and bars lowering their prices to attract the night club crowd but, someone out their must have a good idea.Come on people! Let's get our heads together.

Three for Fun (Friday's answers)

To be hederated means to be crowned with a wreath of ivy.

The highest fine that magistrates may impose is £5000.

Foucault's Pendulum, The Island of the day before and The Name of the Rose are works by the Italian novelist and scholar Umberto Eco.

Today's questions (answers on Friday)

1. What is the name of the British painter and leading exponent of pop art whose most famous works include the cover design for the Beatles LP Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band?

2. Which rank in the Christian ministry takes its name from the Greek word meaning 'servant'?

3. In medieval England, murage was a tax levied for the upkeep of what?

Joke of the Day

This is one posted on Yahoo answers by 'Honey' I liked it so much I'd thought I'd share it with you all. Thanks Honey.

Pinocchio complains to his father saying “whenever I attempt to make love to a woman, she complains of splinters.

” His father shows pity and gives Pinocchio a piece of sandpaper to smooth his willy down whenever he needs to.

A few days later during dinner his father asks, “How are the girls?” Pinocchio replies “Girls? Who needs girls?”

quiz402

Quiz 402

Let me be totally clear. The Albert quiz will not survive much longer if people don't turn up. We had 4 teams (11 people in total, pitiful) last night, 3 the week before. I am not prepared to put the effort in that I do and Kate is not prepared to keep paying out good money if no one can be bothered. If anybody has any ideas as to why we've hit a slump please let me know and maybe we can correct it, quizard_97@yahoo.co.uk otherwise one week you will turn up and there will be know quiz. Thereafter, anyone who makes that glib comment "We keep meaning to come down." will feel the sharp end of my tongue. So can please have some bums-on-seats next week because if not there may not be any point in coming anymore.

Last night's winners were Bill and Pete of The Alliance with 88pts, well done gents. Second were VCJD minus Val who is still on holiday they amassed 85pts and third were newcomers Vanessa with 78pts. I promised you last night I'd let you know what next week's guest is due to be as I couldn't remember off hand. Just checking my database and I can tell you it should be... Celebrity wordmatch. You find the word that ends one and and starts another e.g Times Table, Table Manners and in one column you will read the name of a famous person. I leave you with questions and answers and the Joke of the Day. Then I'm going to earn loads of points on Yahoo Answers http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/ Got a free mug off them on Wednesday changes colour when you put something hot in it. :D

Questions and Answers

Last night's laser-printed colour pictures that cost me £2 were: 1. England striker Michael Owen 2. Audrey Hepburn 3. Body Shop founder, the late Anita Roddick 4. Christian Bale 5. The fastest man on the planet Asafa Powell 6. French chef Raymond Blanc 7. "The Great Stoneface" Buster Keaton 8. Gemma Bissix who used to be in Eastenders and now plays Clare Cunningham in Hollyoaks 9. The first woman in space Valentina Tereshkova 10. Lingerie model and Hell's kitchen contestant Abigail Clancy (Peter Crouch is shagging her! Lucky bugger!)

Three for Fun (Tuesdays answers)

The letter P in the computer acronym HTTP stands for Protocol.

The Minoan civilisation was based on the Mediterranean island of Crete.

In Roman Britain, The Fosse Way ran between Lincoln and Bath.

Today's questions (answers on Monday)

1. To be hederated means to be crowned with what?

2. What is the highest fine that magistrates may impose?

3. Foucault's Pendulum, The Island of the day before and The Name of the Rose are works by which Italian novelist and scholar?

Joke Of The Day: Funny Puns...(the last one is all my own work)

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jump lead walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'""That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.""Is it common?""Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A native chief was so impressed when he first saw a lavatory he started a collection of them.After a while he had a hut full of them but the build up of methane caused a massive explosion which proves the old adage, "People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones."

quiz402

Quiz 402

After the poor showing last Thursday, I decided to completely forget about the quiz until now (Well, last night actually but everything keeps screwing up). Haven't done a bean. Thursday was a particularly frustrating day as my printer ran out of ink and when i spent £10 on a new one, my printer decided to commit Seppuku. I had to get my brother to come down with his printer to get me out of the shit. This coupled with the music tape having to be redone because it was the b-side of the tape that got chewed up about 8 weeks ago put me on a knife's edge. Anyway, going back through the records... The Alliance were the winners on Thursday with 84 points, CJD were second on 80 and the only other team, Day release made up the top three with 79 points.

Questions and Answers

Thursday's pictures were: 1. Big Brother 8 winner Brian Belo 2. Michael Winslow (sound effects comedian from the Police Academy movies) 3. Noddy 4. HRH Prince Charles 5. Newcastle United's Republic of Ireland star Damien Duff 6. Hell's Kitchen Chef Marco Pierre White 7. Darryl Hannah 8. Thandie Newton 9. German Chancellor Angela Merkel 10. Maria Sharapova

Three for Fun (last week's answers)

A Cardial in the Catholic Church would be addressed as 'Your Eminence'?

diacritic marks are accent marks bove or below wods or letters such as cedillas, tildes and circumflexes.

3. The name held by the Treasury solicitor who represents the Crown in matrimonial cases is the Queen's Proctor.

Today's questions (answers next week)

1. For what does the letter P stand in the computer acronym HTTP

2. The Minoan civilisation was based on which Mediterranean island?

3. In Roman Britain, which road ran between Lincoln and Bath?

Joke of the Day

A taxi driver picks up an old man and sets off down the road. After a few hundred yards the fare lent forward and tapped the cabbie on the shoulder to tell him something. Startled, the driver side-swiped a car, mounted the curb, narrowly missed a pedestrian and came to a halt just inches from a shop front. The cab went silent. After a few moments the cabbie said "Please don't ever do that again" trying to catch his breath. Concerned the old man said "I'm sorry, I never thought I would startle you like that." The cabbie said "This is my first day as a taxi driver, this time last week I was driving a hearse."

Been busy with housework all day. Well, still am actually I'm going to show the vacuum cleaner the carpet a little later just needed this diversion first. Okay As I say I've been busy so I still need a music tape, Pictures Dingbats (this week's Guest round) and 28, count em' 28 questions. I suppose I'd better get on with it, after the vacuuming, laundry, washing up etc. Oh and a shower, I smell like a badger's arse. Hope tou see you all at The Albert on Thursday.

Three for Fun (Saturday's answers)

The airport at Dyce serves the Scottish city of Aberdeen.

Table Manners, Living together and Round and Round the Garden, a trilogy by Alan Ayckbourn, are known collectively as The Norman Conquests.

Emmeline Pankhurst with her daughter Christabel, founded the Women's Social and Political Union in 1903, taking the motto 'Deeds not words'.

Today's questions (Answers on Friday)

1. A member of which rank in the hierarchy of the Catholic Church would be addressed as 'Your Eminence'?

2. Written language: What are diacritic marks?

3. What name or title is held by the Treasury solicitor who represents the Crown in matrimonial cases?

Joke of the Day: The Farmer's Prize Goat

Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air.He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound.He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound.He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, "How deep is this hole?" The farmer said, "Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?"The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, "No." The farmer said, "Oh well. He can't get far. He was tied to a railroad beam."

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Quiz 400

I've always said that the quiz goes through a lean period from mid June until August bank holiday and I was proved right last night (subtle pop at a meathead who thinks he's smarter than me.) Eight teams we had last night the exactly the same as we had this time last year. It was apparent that last night's questions were a bit harder than usual as reflected in the scores. Our winners last night were The Magic Numbers with 89 points. joint second with 78 points were VCJD and The Alliance minus slowhand Gareth and Pete the commando. The only members in attendance were Margaret (the sensible one), Bill (Who'd you'd have thought was used to losing seeing has how he keeps wearing that Leeds United top and whose hero is Dick Dastardly.) and Bob (the edible frog. Rana kl. esculenta. Very sorry Bob you were quite correct.) A special mention to The Book Ends, always glad to see them at The Albert. Team Van Dyke, the couple who don't see each other that often but when they do they like to come to the quiz and also Leah and Dave who were called the Flying Otters last night and look to becoming regulars at the quiz. Questions, comments? You can always email me quizard_97@yahoo.co.uk or come see me on Yahoo answers UK and Ireland. http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/

Questions and Answers

Last night's pictures were: 1. Lacey Turner Who plays Stacey Slater in Eastenders 2. Owen Wilson 3. Middlesbrough's Dutch midfielder George Boateng 4. TV presenter Fearne Cotton 5. Perry Mason actor Raymond Burr 6. Amy Winehouse 7. Dustin Hoffman 8. Frankenstein author Mary Shelley 9. Britain's 400m world champion Christine Ohurugu 10. Sophia Myles actress and girlfriend of Dr Who David Tennant and wo appeared in an episode in season 2. "Jeanne Antoinette de Poisson? I just snogged Madame de Pompadour!"

Three For Fun (Tuesdays answers)

In the song, Jackie Paper was the friend of Puff the magic dragon
born in 1752, Ben Jonson is considered to be Britain's first Poet Laureate?
Gall is an alternative term for bile.

Today's questions (answers on Monday)

1. The airport at Dyce serves which Scottish city?

2. Theatre: Table Manners, Living together and Round and Round the Garden, a trilogy by Alan Ayckbourn, are known collectively under what title?

3. The Suffragette movement: Who, with her daughter Christabel, founded the Women's Social and Political Union in 1903, taking the motto 'Deeds not words'?

Joke of the Day: How to get out of a speeding ticket!

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

Late again I know. Well, it was the bank holiday and I was out all day enjoying the sun and didn't get home until 8:30 last night. In fact, I was so tired I think I was in bed for 9pm. Didn't do any quiz work yesterday so I find myself on Tuesday lunchtime with just over two days to go with still the Music Tape, Picture Round, a Tempus Fugit question and 22 questions to find. The Books and Authors Guest Round is done however and ready for printing.

Three for Fun (Friday's answers)

A "Newmarket" is a type of overcoat.

Xanthippe was famousy the bad tempered wife of Socrates.

The Queen of the Amazons whose girdle Heracles stole and who also featured in Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's dream was Hippolyta.

Today's questions (answers on Friday)

1. In the song, which little boy was the friend of Puff the magic dragon?

2. Which writer, born in 1752, is considered to be Britain's first Poet Laureate?

3. Gall is an alternative term for which secretion of the human body? (Mmmm, yum)

Joke of the Day.

Two tourists were driving through Wales. As they came to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter one tourist asked the assistant: "Before we order, can you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronouce where we are... very slowly?" The spotty youth leaned over the counter and said: "Burrrrrrrrr gerrrrrrrrrr Kiiiiiiiiing."

quiz399

Quiz 399

At this moment, I am waiting for a police constable to call on me so that I can give a statement for the burglary of my neighbour 10 days ago! I got a call yesterday before the quiz telling me that the constable who was supposed to interview me yesterday had to go home for 'personal reasons' and they would call on me today. (still waiting). Long way since Dixon of Dock Green. and targets. Makes you think... if your gas or electric provider took 10 days to deal with your enquiry because the 'Seargent had just got back from leave, and only got the email today' or 'PC Donkey bollocks had to go home for personal reasons' you'd changed supplier surely?

Sorry to be a bore, whinge over. Last night's quiz was won by VCJD with 95 pts. second was that develish fiend Dick Dastardly and his sidekick Muttley in the Mean Machine. No sorry it was Those cunning devils the Alliance minus Bob (Muttley) (wheezey dog laugh) with 86 points and third place went to Blackadders with an impressive 79 points for an occassional team.

I got an email from Debbie from The Book Ends yesterday before I left for the quiz to let me know that they will be at the quiz at the Albert next Thursday. So I did promise them a 'Books and Authors' Guest Round, which is great because it was due to be 'True or False'. Anyway, I'm hungry so I'll leave you with the questions and answers and the 'Joke of the Day' an I'll update again on Monday. quizard_97@yahoo.co.uk if you need me for anything before the next quiz. Enjoy the Bank holiday everyone.

Questions and Answers

Last night's pictures were: 1. TV chef Jamie Oliver 2. Comedienne and actress Julie Walters 3. James Garner aka Jim Rockford 4. Former Moroccan middle-distance runner Saïd Aouita 5. River Phoenix 6. Dick Dastardly 7. Gene Kelly 8. Former Who Rock drummer Keith Moon 9. Everton's Mikel Arteta 10. Julia Stiles

Three for Fun (Monday's answers)

The trapezium is a bone in the Wrist.

2. Cross Fell is the highest peak in The Pennines

3. In 2004, Piers Morgan was sacked as the editor of the Daily Mirror

Today's questions (answers on Monday)

1. What type of clothing is a "Newmarket"?

2. Xanthippe was the famousy bad tempered wife ofe which ancient philosopher?

3. Who was the Queen of the Amazons whose girdle Heracles stole, who also featured in Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's dream?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Trying to concentrate and the PC is on his way. he's phoned me twice. sounns like he's fresh out of Hendon.

Joke of the Day Famous Quotes

Ah, yes divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So, what's the problem? - Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. - Elayne BooslerThere's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George CarlinInstead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. - Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff FoxworthySee, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams