I hope you're all enjoying the inclement Bank Holiday. The weather should improve through June until Wimbledon starts and Cliff Richard is on stand by. I've got a lot done this weekend, in fact, if I can get the pictures done tonight I will only need another 12 questions to finish off this weeks quiz. (am bored shitless actually.) On the plus front I have the chance of a new job, if my current employers are reading this its a lie and I won't be phoning a company in Atherstone on my break, and won't be arranging an interview for Wednesday because I really do have an appointment at the tropical diseases centre that will take up all of my working day. I've got a cactus, not that interesting I grant you. However I rescued it from the shared house I was living in 15 years ago, just as an afterthought on my way to a new address. Now for only the second time in those 15 years it is flowering. It has the most beautiful pale orange flowers on it. I just hope it doesn't decide to eat me in the middle of the night. (note to self: stop reading John Wyndham novels). I was also given a sprig of shamrock by a friend for Paddy Day on March 17. I kept the root, gave it to my mum, she potted it for me and last week it developed several small yellow flowers. Sorry I got off the subject but I'm quite proud that I never killed them both.


I would like suggestions please, to distinguish Picture clues from the final Picture Round as it can be confusing to new teams. Also, How do we make the Scattergories round more challenging and In a couple of months I will be celebrating Quizard's tenth anniversary and plan to put a FAQ section in the profile on this site. Any questions you have about Quizard's last ten years or just anything you would like to know let me know. Thanks in advance. I hope to see you all on Thursday and if anyone wishes to contact me at anytime for anything, my email address is: quizard_97@yahoo.co.uk And don't forget to check out the joke of the day, it's a genuine letter of resignation.

Three for Fun (Saturday's answers)

The Hague conventions, signed between 1899 and 1907, concerns the conduct of the law under War.

'God's in his heaven/All's right with the world'. words by Robert Browning. (I still prefer the works of his wife).

The violin concertos nicknamed 'Il Sospetto', the Storm at Sea' and 'Il Favorito' are the work of Antonio Vivaldi.

Today's questions answers on Friday (if I'm not still pissed)

1. What name was given to conspiracy of 1683 by English whig extremists intent on murdering Charles II and his brother, the future James II?

2. Parliament: The holder of which office is the Speaker's principal adviser in all matters of procedure, and sits at the Table of the House during sittings?

3. What name is given in the Bible to someone who prepared perfumes and spices?

Joke Of The Day:

Best ever resignation letter (An actual letter sent by a fed up U.S IS employee)

Mr Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts. 1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own. 2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration. 3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.Sincerely,

T. Brewer

quiz386

Quiz 386

Sorry for the late update, this is because when I got home on Thursday night I got talking to friends on the net and before I new it, it was 5am. When I managed to crawl out of bed on Friday I felt like crap so I didn't get anything done. I'd like to apologise for giving the wrong answer to one of the songs on the music tape, the correct answer was of course Unit Four + Two - Concrete And Clay. Fortunately, it didn't effect the outcome which leads nicely to the winning scores. The Alliance were our winners with 90pts, those lovely ladies of The Dimwits were second with 82pts and CJD were third with 79pts. Now an update about the council plus the email from Bill that he has kindly allowed me to publish, I just hope none of the councilors see it. I went to pay my Council Tax yesterday - hangover and all - and found that the payments section closes early, in fact, its hardly ever open. There is this machine where type in your account number and pay in. With the help of a polite young lady who was there to pay her rent I managed to sort it out. I was told that the payments section is not open so long anymore to "save money and encourage (for encourage read bully) people to pay by Direct Debit". This does mean however, that rely on banks. This is bad for 3 reasons: 1. All banks are robbing bastards. 2. Direct debit is not convenient for everybody and querying them is sometimes problematic. 3. All banks are robbing bastards. And now Bill's infamous email.

From:
"Bill Walton"
To:
quizard_97@yahoo.co.uk
Subject:
All councillors
Date:
Sun, 20 May 2007 17:18:51 +0100

#message { overflow:auto; visibility:hidden }
Dave

I totally agree - all councillors are useless w*****s. It beats me why anybody votes for any of these t*****s. They are only in it for themselves and do not give a f**k for those they pretend to represent.

You can tell I voted "None of the above" at the last election can't you (in Bolehall I didn't have the chance to vote for the official "Monster Raving Loony Party" - there was only those Labour and Tory b******s listed on the ballot paper!!!!!!!!!).

Yes its a rant from Bill from the Alliance!!!!!!!!

I think the asterisk symbol has been worn off his keyboard.

Thursday's pictures were: 1. Sophia Loren 2. Kevin Bacon 3. Speedy Gonzales 4. Elaine Tan who plays Li Chong in Eastenders 5. Fatty Arbuckle 6. Newsreader Natasha Kaplinsky 7. Bob Dylan who was 66 on Thursday 8. Former Belgian tennis player Kim Clijsters 9. Former astronaut John Glenn 10. Singer Gwen Stefani

Three for Fun (Monday's answers)

The Arts Centre on the South Bank was built around The Royal Festival Hall - the only one remaining from the Festival of Britain in 1951.

the name of the imaginary invalid friend invented by Algernon Moncrieff in Oscar Wilde's The Importance of being Ernest is Bunbury.

In 1924 and 1929, the Labour Party formed minority governments. On both occasions, Ramsay MacDonald was the Prime Minister.

Today's questions (answers on Monday)

1. The Hague conventions, signed between 1899 and 1907, concern the conduct of the law under which circumstances?

2. 'God's in his heaven/All's right with the world'. Which poet wrote these famous words?

3. The violin concertos nicknamed 'Il Sospetto', the Storm at Sea' and 'Il Favorito' are the work of which composer?

Joke Of The Day:

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!" The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

I,m back from my anger management weekend (see last post). The councillor was a liberal git so I twatted him and now I have no pent up anger at all. Marvelous. Thanks to Bill for the email about what he thinks about the council. I did reply to him asking if I could publish his four-letter tirade in this post but he didn't get back to me time so I won't (angry man, very angry man). As to the council and the problem I was having with my Council Tax bill going awry, I went down to the offices at Marmion House to sort it out. I got a bill printed out for me after a while and was told that they'd been into their records and surprise, surprise, my address does't actually exist. There is a simple reason for this I calmly explained. "A few years ago I changed my name by Deed Poll to Diogenes and I actually live in a fucking barrel you stupid bollocks!" As to to the progress of this week's quiz, I have the caricatures ready for printing on Wednesday but I still need around ten questions and the picture round and music tape still need to be done. If anyone wishes to contact me between now and Thursday night with suggestions, comments or anything at all you can as always leave a comment on this site or email me at quizard_97@yahoo.co.uk Don't forget to check out the joke, it is a genuine job application submitted by a 17-year-old to McDonald's and it's a doozy.

Three for Fun (Friday's answers)

In the western christian calendar, the name given to the Thursday after Trinity Sunday is Corpus Christi.

Mrs Bardell brings an action for breach of promise against Mr Pickwick.

The Tablet is a weekly periodical of the Roman Catholic church.

Today's questions (answers on Friday)

1. London Landmarks: The Arts Centre on the South Bank was built around which building - the only one remaining from the Festival of Britain in 1951?

2. What is the name of the imaginary invalid friend invented by Algernon Moncrieff in Oscar Wilde's The Importance of being Ernest?

3. In 1924 and 1929, the Labour Party formed minority governments. Who, on both occasions, was the Prime Minister?

Joke Of The Day:

This is an actual job application from a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

quiz385

Quiz 385

Last night's quiz would've been very enjoyable if it was not for the three morons who were loud and rude all night. I spent eleven and a half hours (yes I timed it) putting the quiz together and some pricks decide that they are going to have a laugh regardless of others feelings and my time and effort. Why is it that Yorkshiremen like the sound of their own voices? The old saying 'empty vessels make more sound' springs to mind. Anyway, we soldiered on in spite of the vacuous cockroaches and at the end of the night we had a tie for the second week running with The Magic Numbers and The Alliance who were back to full strength with the return of Margaret coming top with 91pts each and Burger Face were third a ways back on 83pts. I am in the same position as I was this time last week with only a blank template to start with but I'm not going to time it this week as I think that was a mistake as it proved to be a distraction. Just squinting at my list on the far wall I can just make out that next week's guest round is due to be....Caricatures. So that's a trip to Kall Kwik on Wednesday for some photocopying. When I've published this post I have to go to the council offices and politely ask how I can sent a letter telling me that I am in arrears with my Council Tax payments when I haven't received a bill? (Useless wankers). Anyone wishing to contact me can either leave a comment on the blog or email me at quizard_97@yahoo.co.uk.

Last night's pictures were: 1. Patrick Duffy 2. Mr T 3. Paula Radcliffe 4. Kelly Clarkson 5. Brigette Neilson 6. Scott Bakula 7. Newcastle United's Titus Bramble 8. Bill Paxton 9. Dr Crippen 10. River Phoenix

Three for Fun (Mondays answers)

The British prime minister in the 1920's who served the shortest term last century - just 209 days was Andrew Bonnar Law.

The evergreen climbing plant whose name is derived from its distinctive flowers that have parts that supposedly resemble aspects of the Crucifixtion is the Passion flower or passiflora

The battle of Sedgemoor in 1685 last to be fought on English soil occurred during Monmouth's rebellion.

Today's questions (answers on Monday)

1. In the western christian calendar, what name is given to the Thursday after Trinity Sunday?

2. Against whom, in a Dickens novel, does Mrs Bardell bring an action for breach of promise?

3. The Tablet is a weekly periodical of which denomination of the Christian church?

Joke Of The Day:Find out what men really mean when they say...

"I'M GOING FISHING"Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."Means: "I remember the theme song to 'Fireball XL5', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great tits."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Thanks to Bill for the Email, I glad you enjoyed the Wacky Races pics. As I said on Friday I had nothing but a blank template to start this week's quiz so, what I did was to time how long it takes to produce a quiz from scratch. I've got a stopwatch on it, everytime I do something I start the timer. I'm not sure this is a good idea as I seem to be rushing as if it is a race and I have to keep stopping a checking for errors as in Friday's post when I lost the original and had to start again I rushed it and made numerous spelling mistakes. I will carry on timing it until it's all printed off and packed in the bag and let you know on Friday how long it took altogether.

So far, I have numerous questions done, the music tape needs two more songs, I still need to sort the pictures out and I need a subject for the guest round which this week is Who Am I? Five clues to a famous person. So all-in-all there is still quite a bit to do. I hope to see you all on Thursday night and if anybody wants to contact me between now and then or at anytime for any reason you can at: quizard_97@yahoo.co.uk I leave you now with the Three for Fun questions and The Joke of the Day.

Three for Fun (Friday's answers)

Campbell is the family name of The Duke of Argyle.

In law by the Latin expression mens rea means Guilty mind (meaning that someone intended to carry out a crime knowing it was wrong).

Nancy Astor the first woman MP to sit in the House of Commons represented Plymouth (Sutton division).

Today's questions (answers on Friday)

1. Which British prime minister in the 1920's served the shortest term last century - just 209 days?

2. The name of which evergreen climbing plant is derived from its distinctive flowers that have parts that supposedly resemble aspects of the Crucifixtion?

3. The battle of Sedgemoor in 1685 was the last to be fought on English soil. It occurred during which uprising?

Joke Of The Day:Dinner Etiquette...

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young men at a posh school, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Michael replies: "Wait a minute; I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charles replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And John says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

Quiz 384

Quiz 384 (Wacky Mix)

Okay, let's try again. I just tried to type out the blog and got down to the answers to last night's pictures when I in avertedly deleted the whole lot (eejit). Last night's quiz was a quiet affair with only five teams taking part. However, it was very enjoyable and extremely close at the finish. In fact only 6 points separated first from last place. CJD and The Dimwits shared the spoils coming top with 90pts each and The Alliance who were without Margaret's wisdom for the second week running were third for the second week running albeit just a single point behind on 89.

This weekend I am in the unenviable position of having everything to do. I have absolutely nothing pre-prepared, no music tape, guest round, nothing. I just have my blank template so I'm going to have to get cracking tonight (going to Bond's for a medicinal sherry in a while).

Last night's pictures (this is where it went tits up earlier) were: 1. Terry Wogan 2. Dawn French 3. Jonathon Edwards 4. Drew Barrymore 5. Sid Vicious 6. Russell Brand 7. Jessica Alba 8. Paris Hilton 9. Carlos Tevez 10. Vivien Leigh

Three for Fun (Monday's answers)

Orange Pekoe is a variety Tea.

The Forint, comprising 100 fillur, is the main unit of currency Hungary.

Junkie (1953), Nova Express (1964) and Cities of the Red Night (1981) are by William Burroughs.

Today's questions (answers on Monday)

1. Campbell is the family name of which Scottish Duke?

2. What is meant in law by the Latin expression mens rea?

3. Nancy Astor was the first woman MP to sit in the House of Commons. Which constituency did she represent?

Joke Of The Day:

Note this is an exact replication of National Public Radio interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your post?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers !

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one ... are you?

When I got up on Saturday morning I found a slug trail in my kitchen either that or a woman with no legs had been slithering around the kitchen overnight. My first thought was "how the bloody hell did it get in the flat?" Anyway, I used the old slug pub trick and placed some beer out overnight and it worked. All I need to know now is; does anyone know how to break up a fight between 5 drunken slugs?


I am suffering with a stinking head cold at the moment, so progress on Thursday's quiz is slow. I need 3 songs to complete the music tape, another 4 pictures before I can set up the picture round around 10 questions on various subjects and I am halfway through the guest round which this week is Initial Success; ten questions with the initial letters of the answer given as a clue. On Friday I forgot to give the picture answers fom last week's quiz, so I'll do that next. I hope your all enjoying the soggy bank holiday and I'll see you all on Thursday.

Thursday's pictures were: 1. Manchester United's Ole Gunnar Solskjaer 2. Spiderman 3 star Tobey Macguire 3. The late great Eric Morecombe 4. Dame Helen Mirren 5. The villanous Feathers McGraw from the Wallace and Gromit adventure The Wrong Trousers 6. James Doohan who played Scotty in the original Star Trek series 7. Mary Astor who played the female lead in the 1941 classic The Maltese Falcon 8. Former racing driver Nelson Piquet 9. Actress Heather Graham 10. German composer Engelbert Humperdinck.

Three for Fun (Friday's answers)

According to the apocryphal story, the long nose and inquisitive nature of sixteenth-century Archbishop of Canterbury Matthew Parker gave rise to the expression 'nosey Parker'.

In relation to aeroplanes, the abbreviation C-of-A stands for Certificate of Airworthiness

The Dutch artist of the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries who painted The Merry Toper, The Merry Company and, most famously, The Laughing Cavalier (or Portrait of a Man to give it its correct title) was Frans Hals.

Today's questions (answers on Friday)

1. Food and drink: Orange Pekoe is a variety of what?

2. The Forint, comprising 100 fillur, is the main unit of currency of which EU country?

3. Junkie (1953), Nova Express (1964) and Cities of the Red Night (1981) are by which innovative American author?

Joke Of The Day:Ladies Room...

A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washroom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.

"Sir," she said, "the ladies room is unoccupied. You may use it only if you promise not to touch the buttons on the wall."

He was about to explode, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified with the letters: WW, WA and PP, and there was one red button labeled ATR.

Who would really know if he touched them? He could not just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the WW button. Warm Water was sprayed gently on his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him, the men's washroom didn't have nice things like this.

Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button.

Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant smell of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did he pressed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!

He knew he was in the hospital room as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!"

"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.

Quiz 383

Quiz 383

Today's post is slightly later than usual because the PC is running slow. The reason for this is because I have been downloading all 16 episodes of Sharpe and its it an enormous file (around 11GB), But when its done I'll convert them all to DVD files, burn them to disk and save a pretty tidy penny. (Aaah Smug Mode).

Anyway, I really enjoyed the quiz last night at The Albert. The Magic Numbers ran out winners winners with 87pts, CJD were second with 85pts and The Alliance minus Margaret who was watching King Lear in Stratford came in third with 81pts which kind of reminds me of that mad Norwegian football commentator in the Eighties. "Margaret your boys took a hell of a beating."

Last week, The Book Ends asked if I could do a guest round on books, as you can probably remember we used to have a books and authors round and I may slot it in in future so if any member of the Book Ends is reading this let me know when your'e coming next and I'll try to accomadate you. My Email address is quizard_97@yahoo.co.uk for anyone who wants to contact me for any reason. Oh, and Bill? Sorry but I still have no plans for a guest round on the Wacky Races.

Three for Fun (Monday's answers)

The term used in chemistry to describe the movement of a liquid through a semi-permeable membrane, from a less concentrated solution to a more concentrated one is Osmosis.

In the context of ships and the seathe word 'jury' means Temporary or improvised.

A slate rip, foam aspirators and BA sets are carried on a Fire Appliance.

Today's questions (answers on Monday)

1. According to the apocryphal story, the long nose and inquisitive nature of which sixteenth-century Archbishop of Canterbury gave rise to the expression 'nosey Parker'?

2. In relation to aeroplanes, what does the abbreviation C-of-A stand for?

3. Which Dutch artist of the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries painted The Merry Toper, The Merry Company and, most famously, The Laughing Cavalier?

Joke Of The Day: Jet Fuel...

Frank and Jim were a couple of drinking pals who worked as airplane mechanics at Heathrow. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Frank says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Frank wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings... It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Frank says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Frank says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?"

"No....."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in GLASGOW!!!"