Well, Thursday's quiz is almost finished all but a little tweaking. I've also updated the rules sheet and I should have the new picture completed in time for when we have used up the last ones. (There's only two left.) I want to introduce something new as soon as possible that is based on a suggestion from John of VCJD (see below.) My only real concern is who is going to collect the money and look after it. Enjoy your evening and I shall see you all in the New Year.

The Leprechaun's Pot 'O' Gold

Separate from the main quiz, This is for individuals. Basically you pay £1 to enter and I will ask a tough question. The nearest person to the answer wins half “Me Pot ‘O’ Gold”. Get it spot on and You win the lot and I hop around cursing you! At the end of the month if the pot hasn’t been won, the nearest answer claims the lot!

Three for Fun (Friday's answers)

The name of the Japanese speciality of batter-dipped, deep-fried pieces of fish or vegetables is Tempura.

The US retailing giant known by the acronym GUS is Great Universal Stores.

The term, for an informal, non-standard and allegedly classless English spoken by young people, takes its name from the accent's origins on the banks of the Thames in Essex and Kent is Estuary English.

Today's questions (answers on Friday)

1. Which town - famous in song - is the county town of Kerry in Ireland?

2. What term is used to describe those criminal offences which are tried only by magistrates without a jury?

3. 'In a Summer Garden', 'walk to the Paradise Garden' and 'On Hearing the First Cuckoo in Spring': who is their English composer?

Joke Of The Day:First Day at School...

It was the first day of 3rd grade, and a new school for Johnny. As a test, the teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50.
Some did very well, counting as high as 30 and 40 with just a few mistakes.
Others couldn't get past 20.
Johnny, however, did extremely well. He counted past 50, right up to 83. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. Most made it about half way through without much trouble. Some made it to M and N, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet right to W.
That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "Son, that's because you are from Alabama."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly well endowed. This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama,?" he asked.
"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

quiz417

Quiz 417

Last quiz of the year, Where did the last twelve months go? Nevermind there is no respite as I shall be back (and hopefully a lot of you) on January 3rd. Apologies for not updating the blog last Monday but I was a little busy. Today's is later than I would've liked because I didn't get to bed until 2:30 am and had to be up at 7am for what I was told was " a small beer delivery, only 10 barrels." at Bond's. 10 barrels my arse! try 28 barrels and 76 cases. grrrrrrrrrrrrr, gobshite. Last night's winners were a much depleted Alliance team (Thanks for the pint Gareth, I'm glad your quiz went well, Slàinte.) who were without Bob the gob and Margaret. (Hurry back soon both.) with 80 pts. VCJD were second five points back on 75 and third place went to The Props with 69 points. A special mention for Dolphins Vicars and Tarts who were a new team and I am hoping will become regulars. Nice people. I shall make a start on next week's quiz tomorrow in between the mountain of laundry and dishes I've neglected to do. The guest round is due to be Reverse Scattergories. The next update is due on New Year's Eve. In the meantime, quizard_97@yahoo.co.uk is my email address if you wish to contact me for any reason. Finally, let me take this opportunity to wish you all a very happy New Year.

Questions and Answers

Last night's pictures were: 1. Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond 2. Strictly Come Dancing Winner and former Mis Teeq member Alesha Dixon 3. Will Smith 4. Poltergeist child actress Heather O'Rourke 5. Marlene Dietrich 6. Kylie Minogue (in her Dr Who Christmas special uniform) 7. Tottenham Hotspur's Belgian midfilder Steed Malbranque 8. Sri Lankan spin bowler Muttiah Muralitharan 9. French President Nicolas Sarkozy 10. Janis Joplin (just for Viv, Enjoy your New Year in Germany.)

Three For Fun (Last week's answers)

In the Bible, the meaning of the word 'Gethsemane' is "Olive Press."

George Armstrong Custer: was a Lieutenant Colonel at the time of his death at the Battle of the Little Big Horn.

The alternative name given to the loading line mark on the side of a ship's hull is the Plimsoll Line.

Today's questions (answers on New Year's Eve)

1. What name is given to the Japanese speciality of batter-dipped, deep-fried pieces of fish or vegetables?

2. Which US retailing giant is known by the acronym GUS?

3. Which term, for an informal, non-standard and allegedly classless English spoken by young people, takes its name from the accent's origins on the banks of the Thames in Essex and Kent?

Joke of the Day

An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees'! 'What powerful rivers'! 'What beautiful animals'! He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!' Time Stopped.The bear froze. The forest was silent.As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'? The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?'Very Well,' said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: 'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

quiz416

quiz 416

We managed to scrape four teams together at The Albert last Night for the Christmas quiz It was an enjoyable night and everyone enjoyed the free chocolates (especially Jane of VCJD.) I staggered home afterwards only to stop into The New Mayflower Chinese takeaway in Church Street for my free 2008 calendar and some extremely tasty chicken wings in Peking sauce. In a very close contest, our Christmas winners were VCJD with 80 points, The Magic Numbers (welcome back) were second a point behind on 79 and The Alliance came in third a point behind that on 78. A special mention has to go to fourth placed Brick thumbies who I bullied to enter the quiz and scored 60. Thanks guys. Good luck to Gareth who is presenting his quiz tonight and May I take this opportunity to wish you all a very merry Christmas and I hope to see you all next Thursday stuffed full of turkey and stuffing (oooooh matron!) quizard_97@yahoo.co.uk if you wish to contact me and I'll update again on Christmas Eve after I've finished taking charge of Bond's Christmas top up order from 7am brrrrrrrrr.

Questions and Answers.

Last night's pictures were: 1. Santa Claus 2. X Factor winner Leon Jackson 3. Michael Parkinson 4. Uri Gellar 5. Home Secretary Jacqui Smith 6. Jenny Agutter 7. The new England football coach Fabio Capella 8. Halle Berry 9. Patrick Stewart 10. Russian tennis star Svetlana Kuznetsova

Three For Fun (Monday's answers)

1. 'Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.' was aline written by American Humourist Dorothy Parker.

The name that is shared by the main units of currency in Cyprus, Egypt, Lebanon and Syria is Pound.

Thanatology is the scientific study of Death.

Today's questions (answers on Christmas Eve)

1. In the Bible, what is the meaning of the word 'Gethsemane'?

2. George Armstrong Custer: what was his army rank at the time of his death at the Battle of the Little Big Horn?

3. What alternative name is given to the loading line mark on the side of a ship's hull?

Joke Of The Day:The Russian Genie...

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly."
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka.
She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

I hope you all enjoyed the pre christmas weekend, I myself have been very busy putting the Christmas quiz together. I put the music tape together last night and I've just checked it this afternoon, It's a little ropey as it is from a CD this week but I believe its passable. My biggest headache this week is trying to think of a celebrity for the Who Am I? Guest Round. I also have the picture round to do and a further 17 questions , but it looks like being around 50/50 Christmas questions and others. I'm hoping to get it all but done by tomorrow night but I'm taking delivery of Bond's massive Christmas order tommorrow morning at 7am and if it was anything like last year's I'll pretty shagged out by the end of the afternoon. I hope to see all your smiling Jolly faces on Thursday (Not Bob's smile... minger, hehehe. j/k). quizard_97@yahoo.co.uk if you have any questions or comments between now and Thursday evening.

Three for Fun (Friday's answers)

The main distinguishing feature of all species of ratite, the most primitive group of birds is that they are flightless because they have a keel-less breastbone.

At around 4700 square miles, the Negev Desert occupies approximately 60 per cent of Israel.

The Treasuries of the Holy Roman Empire can be found in Vienna.

Today's questions (answers on Friday)

1. 'Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.' Which American humorist wrote this line? (Which is absolute nonsense in my opinion)

2. What name is shared by the main units of currency in Cyprus, Egypt, Lebanon and Syria?

3. Language: Thanatology is the scientific study of what?

Joke Of The Day:Landlord Letters...

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

11. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

quiz415

Quiz 415

Last night was quite enjoyable, Wow! That's twice in three weeks, I hope continues next week for the Christmas quiz which I've yet to start but I'm absolutely buzzing with ideas i just need to get them down on screen and also find that cheesy Christmas CD for the music tape. I think dropping Scattergories was a positive move, what do you think? I also, albeit begrudgingly thought having 5 minute cigarette breaks worked well if it gets more people through the door I'm all for it. However, its not going to be EVERY 5 minutes, I will draw the line there, I don't like to stop when I'm on a roll. Last night's winners were The Alliance with 79pts, VCJD were second six points behind on 73 and The Bookends made up the top three on 70pts. It's allways nice to have them back I just wish they could take part more often. Finally a mention for The Tingle of Anticipation who came 4th on 69pts, better luck next time guys. Just looking across at the database I can see next week's guest round is scheduled to be "Who Am I", five clues to a famous person. Have a look at the two videos I've selected just before the "Joke of the Day" and enjoy. WARNING: the first one contains brief swearing. Enjoy the weekend, stay warm and I'll see you next week for a medicinal glass of mulled wine. quizard_97@yahoo.co.uk for questions or comments. (Thanks Viv for the very naughty Christmas ecard.) And finally, good luck to Gareth with his Christmas quiz.

Questions and Answers

Last night's pictures were: 1. Former Eastender and I'm a Celebrity contestant Marc Bannerman 2. Scott Maslen who plays Jack Branning in Eastenders 3. James Dean 4. Amy Winehouse 5. West Ham's Peruvian midfielder Nolberto Solano 6. Russell Brand 7. Russell Crowe 8. Minister for Transport Ruth Kelly 9. Newly crowned BBC Sport's Personality of the Year Joe Calzaghe 10. Actress Rosario Dawson (sorry for that one, bit too tough)

Three for Fun (Monday's answers)

In House of Commons Procedure, The Sergeant at Arms is responsible for the security of the House.

Wardour Street in London's Soho district is best known as the centre of the film industry?

The arm of the Meditterranean Sea that lies between the north coast of Corsica and Italy is The Ligurian Sea.

Today's questions (answers on Monday)

1. What is the main distinguishing feature of all species of ratite, the most primitive group of birds?

2. At around 4700 square miles, the Negev Desert occupies approximately 60 per cent of which Middle Eastern country?

3. Museums: In which European city are the Treasuries of the Holy Roman Empire?

Jokes.

Have a look at these two videos I found on youtube. Mr Happy Goes to Chavland and Animator vs Animation for the computer buffs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFiZcYl0wUU&NR=1

Joke Of The Day:Cuckoo Clock...

At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.
The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

Sorry, been a mad day today. I have got half of next week's quiz done I still need a four-part answer for the Pyramid round, another six songs for the music tape, the pictures and various other questions. This week I have decided to drop the Scattergories round as it seems to becoming very unpopular, I haven't got anything to replace it with though I am very interested in John from VCJD's idea of a seperate "Blockbuster" round ( title needs some work) that will be seperate from the main quiz. Read below and see what you think, I value any input.

"Several quizzes we have attended have held different forms of ‘Blockbusters’ at half time. Really a quiz within the quiz and paid for separately. They all really worked on the same format. That is, you paid a separate sum of money to enter, usually a £1 and for that you had the opportunity to answer the question . These questions were usually along the lines of ; To the nearest 1000. How many sheep were there in Australia in 1926 or what was the milk yield in outer Mongolia in February of 1998. Essentially they were questions that no-one would possibly know the answer. If by chance someone did then they would win the pot. If not the nearest to the answer would win £5 and the money in the pot would be carried forward to the following week. After say 5 weeks when the pot had reached a tidy sum use a question that could be answered. Say the height of Everest. The principal of this is twofold. People like to win money in a lottery and secondly if you have invested money into something you will keep returning in order to have an opportunity of getting your money back."

Interesting. See what you think. The only problems I have initially with it are Who is going to collect and look after the money, Kate is too busy and I don't like handling the money part of the quiz, I've far to busy trying to present the quiz. Secondly, I have a problem that people may try and access the internet just to win the pot. Ideas? suggestions? quizard_97@yahoo.co.uk please. I hope to see a full house on Thursday and I'll leave you with the Questions and Answers and a joke.

Answers to Friday's questions

In London: Old Kent Road and Edgware Road both follow part of the path of Watling Street.


The painter, best known for his portraits who was the first President of the Royal Academy was Sir Joshua Reynolds.

3.Danforth, CQR and Stockless are three common forms of anchor.

Today's questions (answers on Friday)

1. House of Commons Procedure: The holder of which office is responsible for the security of the House?

2. Which street in London's Soho district is best known as the centre of the film industry?

3. What is the name of the arm of the Meditterranean Sea that lies between the north coast of Corsica and Italy?

Joke Of The Day:Alcohol Warnings...

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy

quiz414

Quiz 414

After last week's heady heights of 11 teams it was back to reality with a bang yesterday. Only 4 teams took part and I have to say I really believe that the smoking ban is to a greater or lesser degree responsible. We have just three more quizzes this year so I hope in the New Year things will improve. Anyway forgive the late post as this is the first time I've had chance to sit at my computer today. Been a very strange day. Last night's joint winners were The Alliance and VCJD both on a very impressive 94 pts each and third place went to Pete's missing with 80 pts. I shall try and get as much of next week's quiz done over the next two days, well that's the plan anyway but when does anything ever go to plan? Just looking over to the quiz plan on the far wall I can see that next week's Guest Round is due to be a Pyramid. I've got no ideas for it just yet but I believe sometime over the next 3 or 4 days I'll have an epiphany. Okay, enjoy the weekend, I'll update again on Monday. quizard_97@yahoo.co.uk if you wish to contact me. (hanks Viv, sorry to hear the water rates have gone up). I'll leave you with the Questions and answers and a good joke to get you in the mood for the weekend. Oh yes! I must remember to put those past quizzes I've been saving for Gareth since October in my file for next week.

Questions and Answers

Last night's Celebrity Matchword answers were: Indian Summer House, Joss Stick Insect, Power Point Blank, Special Branch Line, Blue Chip Shop, Easy Street Corner, Baking Soda Syphon, Unleaded Petrol Pump, Daisy Chain Gang, Scarlet Fever Pitch, Yellow River Bank, Free Spirit Level. he celebrity was Minnie Driver.

Yesterday's COLOUR pictures were: 1. New King of the Jungle Christopher Biggins 2. X-Factor Judge Dannii Minogue 3. The Duchess of Cornwall 4. Blackburn Rover's David Bentley 5. British-born Iranian comedian Omid Djalili 6. Alicia Silverstone 7. Montgomery Clift 8. Minnie Driver 9. Singer Joan Baez 10. Russian Pole vaulter and world record holder Yelena Isinbayeva.

Three for Fun (Monday's answers)

In English Law, the Hilary sittings begin in January.

The sculptures Reclining Figure and Madonna and Child, and the Shelter Sketchbooks, drawn during the Blitz while he was an official war artist, are well known works by the twentieth-century English sculptor Henry Moore.

The Yorkshire town famous for its choral society, founded in 1836 is Huddersfield.

Today's questions (answers on Monday)

1. London: Old Kent Road and Edgware Road both follow part of the path of which ancient Roman road?

2. Which painter, best known for his portraits, was the first President of the Royal Academy?

3.Danforth, CQR and Stockless are three common forms of which piece of maritime equipment?

Joke of the Day

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have thechild.If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how hewould know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would thenarrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. "SEND EXTRA SAUCE".

Thanks for all the emails, I always enjoy receiving them. This week's quiz is progressing swimmingly, the music was completed yesterday with an absolute classic to finish off (no clues). I thought of a good Tempus Fugit question and got all but one of the pictures ready which WILL this week be in colour. I have to go out shortly so I'll leave you with the Three for Fun and the Joke of the Day and hope that there are as many of you at The Albert as there were last week. quizard_97@yahoo.uk is my email if you wish to contact me in the meantime.

Three for Fun (Saturday's answers)

The hereditary disease thought to have caused the mental disturbance suffered by George III for long periods of his life is Porphyria.

According to legend Alexander the Great cut the Gordian knot with his sword, thus laying claim to becoming ruler of Asia

In legal matters the act of parliament abbreviated as PACE is the Police and Criminal evidence act.

Today's questions (answers on Friday)

1. In English Law, in which month do the Hilary sittings begin?

2. The sculptures Reclining Figure and Madonna and Child, and the Shelter Sketchbooks, drawn during the Blitz while he was an official war artist, are well known works by which twentieth-century English sculptor?

3. Which Yorkshire town is famous for its choral society, founded in 1836?

Joke of the Day: Pearls of wisdom

Ah, yes divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So, what's the problem? - Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. - Elayne Boosler

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. - Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams

Quiz 413

Right, I'm back. Thank you all for being patient. I'm just got reconnected about an hour ago (I can't believe I've got all my TV channels back and there is shag all worth watching!) and I am just catching up on the six weeks I've been away. There have been a lot of people I've needed to email to let them know. quizard_97@yahoo.co.uk if you want to get in touch with me for any reason. And... Just a quick note... Congratulations to Margaret and Gareth of The Alliance who celebrated their wedding anniversary yesterday, hope you both had a great day.

I was a little anxious about Thursday's quiz as it was a charity event organised by Dawn from the Tweedale and I really didn't know what to expect. I needn't have worried, it was a great night, eleven teams competed and we managed to raise 0ver £160 for MacMillan Cancer Research so give yourselves a well earned round of applause. Our winners on the night were The Yak Slayers (Where do they get these names from?) with 93 pts and both The Alliance and VCJD were joint second with 91 pts each. I'll leave you with the Questions and Answers and the Joke of the Day and update again on Monday.

Questions and Answers

Thursday's pictures were: 1. Dennis Bergkamp 2. Omar Sharif 3. Davina MCall 4. Lee Harvey Oswald 5. Michael Howard 6. Paula Radcliffe 7. Marge Simpson 8. Benny Hill 9. Morgan Spurlock 10. Catherine Deneuve

Three for Fun (answers on Monday)

1. What is the name of the hereditary disease thought to have caused the mental disturbance suffered by George III for long periods of his life?

2. According to legend, who cut the Gordian knot with his sword, thus laying claim to becoming ruler of Asia?

3. In legal matters, which act of parliament is abbreviated as PACE?

Joke of the Day:

Stupid people awards

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).The 1997 nominees are:

NOMINEE No.1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No.2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo,Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft.

" NOMINEE No.3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No.4 [UIPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto Skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE No.5 [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage(and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

NOMINEE No..6 [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO.7 ["The. Indianapolis Star"] A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No.8 lAP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

NOMINEE No.9 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

NOMINEE No.10 [Associated Press, Kincaid] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tougue state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'II show you how to set it off."

quiz406

Quiz 406

Okay so we had five teams last night which I admit is an improvement on the last couple of months but I'm not ready to dance a fandango just yet. It was nice however, tho see The Bookends and welcome back to The Dimwits. Last nights winners were VCJD with 81 points, The Alliance were second on 78 and The aforementioned Bookends made up our top three with 73 points. Okay I'm going to be brief.I've just had a phone call from my brother to tell me my mother was rushed into hospital last night. So very quickly here are the questions and answers and a joke which just need cutting and pasting in.

Questions and Answers

Last night's pictures were: 1. Michael Parkinson 2. Nicole Kidman 3. Corrie actor Jack P Shepherd who plays little git David Platt 4. Bolton Wanderer's Finnish goalkeeper Jussi Jääskeläinen 5. Hercule Poirot actor David Suchet 6. Former Prime Minister Sir Alec Douglas Home 7. Robbie the Robot from the classic sci-fi movie Forbidden Planet 8. Underfire jockey Kieren Fallon 9. Model Nell McAndrew 10. Actress Jennifer Garner

Three for Fun (Monday's answers)

The US state known as "the Bluegrass state" is Kentucky.

Music for the song Moonlight Serenade was written by Glenn Miller.

The word 'volar' relates to the palms of the hands and soles of the feet.

Today's questions (answers on Monday)

1. Astronomy: The term 'aphelion' in relation to the Earth or any planet in the universe describes what?

2. Which de Havilland aircraft in 1949 was the world's first commercial jet airliner?

3. The Prince of the Pagodas is the only original ballet score by whom?

Joke Of The Day:Old Innocent Lady...

A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said:
"I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son."
"Oh, that's ok," he said.
"I know it's silly," she continued, "but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy."
The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out "Goodbye Mother." The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled.
Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his groceries.
"That'll be 105 dollars 35," said the clerk.
"How come?" inquired the man. "I've only bought a few things!"
"Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her..."

As I'm typing I am also compiling Thursday's music tape and I also have two crusts under the grill toasting. Lovely. When the tape is finished the quiz will be two-thirds complete, nice to be ahead of schedule for once. One idea I'm throwing around at the moment, (excuse me, toast and marmalade) is the teams that turn up on a quiz night decide the format for the following week. We'll have have to discuss it more on Thursday night. Any thoughts in the meantime quizard_97@yahoo.co.uk please.

Three for fun (Friday's answers)

Juan Carlos II became the king of Spain in November 1975

The Storting is the name of the parliament of Norway

Writing devoted to recording and glorifying the lives of saints and martyrs is known as Hagiography (hagiology)

Today's questions (answers on Friday)

1. Which US state is known as "the Bluegrass state"?

2. Music for the song Moonlight Serenade was written by which famous bandleader?

3. The word 'volar' relates to whch parts of the body?

Joke Of The Day:This is the road to enlightenment, revised...

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact just fuck off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s milk, that’s the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can' t be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

16. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

quiz405

Quiz 405

I don't know where I am at the moment. Somewhere between trying my damnedest to save the quiz and almost at the point where I just don't care anymore. I remember feeling like this almost 5 years ago when a similar thing happened to the quiz I used to do at Bond's. It was only 4 to 6 weeks after that, that I decided to quit that one as the enjoyment I was getting wasn't enough for the effort going in. Of the 4 teams we had last night, VCJD came out on top with 81 points, Wanderers were second with 76 points and The Alliance were third with 73.

Questions and Answers

Last night's pictures were: 1. John Travolta 2. Newsreader and new Crimewatch presenter Kirsty Young 3. Susan Surandon who was 61 years old yesterday 4. Aston Villa's Gareth Barry 5. Lois Maxwell who was Miss Moneypenny in the James Bond films 6. Jodie Foster 7. Weather girl and Rear of the Year Sian Lloyd 8. US long distance runner Kara Goucher 9. Natasha Beddingfield 10. Film director David Lean

Three for Fun (Tuesday's answers)

The first name of the businessman and pioneer of frozen food Mr Birdseye was Clarence.

Fingal's Cave is located on the Scottish island of Staffa.

The cotton gin was invented by Eli Whitney.

Today's questions (answers on Monday)

1. Who became the king of Spain in November 1975?

2. The Storting is the name of the parliament of which country?

3. Writing devoted to recording and glorifying the lives of saints and martyrs is known as what?

Joke Of The Day: Fly Swatting...

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh!, Killed any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

Apologies for the post being a day late, but yesterday was rather hectic, I just hope that it wasn't a sign of what to expect for the rest of the month. Fortunately though I have made a good start on Thursday's quiz, I'm hoping to get the Music tape and TV themes tape done today, I just hope there are a lot more people at The Albert than have been in recent weeks. quizard_97@yahoo.co.uk If you wish to contact me before Thursday.

Three for Fun (Friday's answers)

'I sing of arms and the man' is a translation of the opening words of The Aeneid.

The name given to the sheet of microfilm on which printed text is photographically reduced for filing is microfiche.

In relation to vision, the term 'accommodation' means the action of focusing the eye.

Today's questions (answers on Friday)

1. What was the first name of the businessman and pioneer of frozen food Mr Birdseye?

2. Fingal's Cave is located on which Scottish island?

3. Who invented the cotton gin?

Joke Of The Day:Sister Logical...

Two nuns went out of their convent to sell cookies. One is known as Sister Mathematical and the other as Sister Logical. It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

Logical: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
Sister Mathematical: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

Sister Logical: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

Sister Mathematical: It's not working.

Sister Logical: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go the this way. He cannot follows us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then, Sister Logical arrives.

Sister Mathematical: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!

Tell me what happened!

Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

Sister Mathematical: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

Sister Mathematical: And?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you do?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happened then?

Sister Logical: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

Quiz 404

Again only four teams last night albeit more people however I'm far from happy. John of VCJD has had some really good ideas and I thank him for that but I feel we need to get people back first! What I really want to know is why the old regular teams like The Dimwits for example don't come anymore? or any of the regular teams. That's the biggy. It's really not worth trying to implement something radical while the quiz is dying on it's arse.

Last night's winners were VCJD with 91 points just ahead of Second Place The Alliance with 90 and Third were second timers Demry's Gone with an extremely commendable 86 pts.

I've actually started next week's quiz well basically just set it up I am hoping to get the Guest Round (TV theme tunes) all done tomorrow. Suggestions please quizard_97@yahoo.co.uk

Questions and Answers

Last night's pictures were: 1. Boris Johnson 2. Tess Daly 3. Francesc Fabregas Billie Piper 5. Tupele Dorgu 6. Katie Holmes 7. Emily Watson 8. Anne Hathaway 9. Gail Emms 10. Keisha Buchanan

Three For Fun (Monday's answers)

There are ten ways of dismissing a batsman in cricket including bowled out, run out, caught, stumped, LBW. The rarer five are: Hit Wicket, handled ball, hit ball twice, obstructed the field, timed out.

the Flemish artist who was appointed Principal Painter to their majesties in 1632 at the court of Charles I was Anthony Van Dyke.

3. The Threepenny Opera and The Rise and Fall of the City of Mahogonny were musical collaborations between the composer Kurt Weill and the celebrated German playwright Bertolt Brecht.

Today's questions (answers on Monday)

1. 'I sing of arms and the man' is a translation of the opening words of which ancient epic poem?

2. What name is given to the sheet of microfilm on which printed text is photographically reduced for filing?

3. In relation to vision, what does the term 'accommodation' mean?

Joke of the Day

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "They're in three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze.""What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly!The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".

This will be a briefish post (briefish, I think I just invented a new word!) as I have been ill for most of the weekend and have absolutely done for the quiz on Thursday. In fact I was so ill this morning (headache and nausea) that I couldn't look at my computer screen for too long and after being physically ill I thought thought it prudent to go back to bed for a couple of hours. When I finally got up I had to answer something like 50 emails, not counting the now obligatory message from The Bank of Africa in Burkina Faso offering me a share of several $ dollars if I help them move a sizeable sum. (Stupid w*nkers) reported and marked as spam.. for the 7th time. Anyway, I digress. Yes! Emails! Thanks to John from VCJD, I have received your suggestions but haven't had time to look at them yet, I am hoping to tomorrow but I really need to spend now and midnight on the quiz.

Three for Fun (Friday's answers)

'No man is an island, entire of itself.' lines of the sixteenth-/seventeenth-century poet John Donne.

The term or word that describes the final unwinding of a complex storyline or the unravelling of the plot in drama is Denoument.

'Lilliburlero' is the signature tune of the BBC's World Service.

Today's questions (answers on Friday)

1. There are ten ways of dismissing a batsman in cricketincluding bowled out, run out, caught, stumped, LBW. Name one of the rarer five?

2. What is the name of the Flemish artist who was appointed Principal Painter to their majesties in 1632 at the court of Charles I?

3. The Threepenny Opera and The Rise and Fall of the City of Mahogonny were musical collaborations between the composer Kurt Weill and which celebrated German playwright?

Joke of the Day.

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom" she says. "I did" he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

quiz403

Quiz 403

Five teams this week. Forgive me if I don't throw my arms in the air and shout "Halleluah!" This time last year we had 10 teams, count em, 10 teams. I am interested to hear John's (VCJD) suggestion's apparently they are quite good I need them emailed to me soon please John. Thanks in advance for the input. What we really need is for people to go to their friends, neighbours, work colleagues or people they just really dislike and say, My quiz team is better than your quiz team, ner, ner, nerner, ner.and get new people to come down. We need more new teams or old ones back. Is it my fault they don't come anymore? I really need to know.I don't wan't the Albert quiz to die, in November I will be doing it for 5 years.

Last night's result, The Props Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah were last night's winners with 87 pts, The Alliance were second on 82 and VCJD were third with 80 pts. Special mention to "he New Team" who were 4th and LAD who won the wooden spoon but wo'nt be back for a while as Leah is going back to University. (Bye sweety comeback soon.)

Questions and Answers

Last night's pictures were: 1. Sir Alan Sugar 2. Chancellor of the Exchequer, The Rt Hon Alistair Darling MP 3. Former boxer and Hell's kitchen winner Barry McGuigan 4. The late former world rally champion Colin McRae 5. Actress Julia Sawalha 6. West Ham's Carlton Cole 7. Keira Knightley 8. Birthday girl Sophia Loren 9. Fergie (Stacy Ferguson) Black-Eyed Peas singer and babe 10. Actress Carrie-Anne Moss

Three for Fun (Monday's answers)

The British painter and leading exponent of pop art whose most famous works include the cover design for the Beatles LP Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band was Peter Blake.

The rank in the Christian ministry that takes its name from the Greek word meaning 'servant' is Deacon.

In medieval England, murage was a tax levied for the upkeep of Town Walls.

Today's questions (answers on Monday)

1.'No man is an island, entire of itself.' What is the name of the name of the sixteenth-/seventeenth-century poet who wrote these lines?

2. What term or word describes the final unwinding of a complex storyline or the unravelling of the plot in drama?

3. 'Lilliburlero' is the signature tune of of which branch of the BBC?

Joke of the Day

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"